Figuratively Speaking, Certificate Forgery Is A Monkey Business (OPINION)
By Isaac Asabor
It is no more news that since the ongoing political tenure of President Bola Ahmed Tinubu commenced on May 29, 2023 that the issue of politicians parading “doctored “university degrees has once again been brought to spotlight so much so that not a few Nigerians are at the moment wagging their tongues, and pondering over why some politicians submitted questionable certificates and other documents to the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) ahead of the last general and presidential elections, and thereby enmeshed themselves in the quagmire of debates and litigations.
In fact, not a few Nigerians are by each passing day been speaking in hush-hush tone, and asking “What is the propriety of parading questionable certificates, despite the fact that the suspects literarily swim in opulence?” Again, “what moral values are they bequeathing to humanity as legacy for the younger generations who see them as idols? Without a doubt, there are myriads of moral questions that aim at ascertaining why top political leaders are caught up in the quicksand of academic certificate and credential forgeries that threaten their professional and political careers.
Given the foregoing backdrop, not a few Nigerians are finding it difficult to come to grip with the untoward trend of political leaders resorting to “doctoring” their certificates and credentials. However, as a self-acclaimed student of late Chinua Achebe’s School of literary thought, permit me to recall an African figurative expression that says “The words of the elders will become sweet someday.” Against the foregoing backdrop, permit me to say that this is the day the words of the elders have become sweet as this writer is poised to gawp into the physiognomies of monkey, and metaphorically bring them to bear in this context.
Against the foregoing backdrop, consider the following English expressions that speak to the traits of a monkey, and they would no doubt persuade any reader of this piece that forging academic certificates and other similar credentials in the bid to qualify for any given political position is no doubt a “Monkey Business”. Period! After all, it is idiomatically correct to say, “To Monkey Around” which simply means “To behave in a silly or careless way”. Come to think of it, for a politician to resort to “doctoring” his or her result or out rightly procuring a fake certificate, is it not out of place to say that such politician is behaving in a silly and careless way.
Still in a similar vein, it is not incongruous to say “No more monkeying around” which simply means to say, “Let’s get serious about the project.” In fact, politicians who have resorted to forging their certificates and credentials should get serious about the project called “Nigeria”. The project cannot be successfully executed if we allowed those that parade fake certificates and credentials to be at the helms of affair. The reason for the forgoing view cannot be farfetched as they would be “Monkeying Around”, and would not get the job done.
Still in the same vein, politicians who have “doctored” or faked certificates are unarguably making a monkey out of registered voters that numbered 93, 469, 00 as at February 9, 2023, and who invariably reside across 1,491 Electoral Constituencies located in 774 Local Government Areas that made up Nigeria. For the sake of clarity, “To make a monkey out of someone” means to make someone look silly.
For instance, “He thought he could make a monkey out of his friend but he was not prepared for what was coming.” Again, “Why do you want to make a monkey out of me? I am just trying to help!”
Explanatorily put, “Monkey business” means doing something mischievous, just as demonstrated in the following sentence, “The Company fired its accountant because there was some monkey business going on with the accounts.” Just like the foregoing, it is also exemplary to in this context say, “The children will get up to monkey business if we do not keep our eyes on them.”
Still in the same nexus, it can also be said, “Monkey see, monkey do”, which refers to copying someone’s actions without putting much thought into it. Bringing the foregoing to bear on the issue that is been discussed in this context, it is pragmatic to say that politicians that have the predilection to forge documents or credentials do things without thinking about the repercussion. Like monkey, they see, and they do what other people do without thinking about what may likely happen tomorrow.
To further clarify the forgoing idiom, it is germane to say, “He started an exercise routine and his wife copied it. It was a monkey see, monkey do sort of situation”, “Where’s the originality? We live in a monkey see, monkey do world.”
Another idiomatic expression that relates to one of the characteristics of monkey is, “Cheeky Monkey”, which is an expression we use when someone is being mischievous and playful. Bringing the interpretation of the foregoing idiom to bear in this context, it is expedient to say “My friend was trying to get free copies of her favorite newspaper by queuing up in different locations. She is such a cheeky monkey.” Without resorting to campaign of calumny in this context, not a few of Nigerian politicians that have been found to be parading questionable credentials can be said to be cheeky. The foregoing can be understood from the statement, “You know John is not telling the truth about the price of his car. It cannot cost a million dollars. He is just being a cheeky monkey.” Analyzed from the foregoing perspective, many politicians are being cheeky as they are not telling Nigerians the truth about their certificates.
In fact, there are several idiomatic expressions that throw insight to the characteristic of monkey, and which some dubious politicians are no doubt replicating in the prevailing Nigeria’s political milieu. Such idioms cut across “A group of monkeys huddled together”, “More fun than a barrel of monkeys” and “More fun than a barrel of monkeys” which means to have a lot of fun.
Analyzed from the foregoing backdrop, it is explanatory to say that certificate-forging politicians always huddle together to fight anyone that challenges their master’s credentials or certificates just the way “Monkeys huddle together” in a group to protect themselves against the cold weather at a zoo.
At this juncture, it is not unexpected that not a few politicians would be averse to this contrast been made. But it need to be done as it has to do with certificate crisis on Nigeria’s political landscape. Frankly speaking, I need to be pardoned because it is painful to see people reaping from what they did not struggle for, and even at that be subjecting the state of affairs of Nigeria to a detrimental situation, and at the same time putting Nigeria to ridicule. Imagine being admitted to a university where hundreds of thousands of Naira was spent, and even logging countless hours with the hope of one day securing a certificate that will earn one opportunity in any sector of the economy. Now, imagine getting the same certificate without having to spend all that money and any time in school. Which one would you prefer? It seems like an easy choice, right? From the foregoing perspective, it is germane to recall that the government has, for many years, been faulted for allowing dubious politicians with fake academic certificates to flood the electoral market, sidelining qualified persons, most of whom are forced to contend with odd jobs to earn a living.
In fact, it is not an overstatement to say that since Nigeria returned to democracy that the Nigerian government has been put on the spot for giving a large number of politicians with no certificate, or with fake academic certificates the opportunity to serve. Moreover, there has been concern about the fact that so many top politicians could be involved in such scandals that can spark huge debates that has eventually trickled down to other categories of human endeavor so much so that the academic and professional qualifications possess by some doctors, lawyers, teachers, engineers and bankers are problematic.
